Don't Blame The Donkey!

We are a society of blamers.  We find blame with everything and everyone.  The field goal kicker cost my team the game.  The stupid lady in the grocery store line made me late for work.  My kid's teacher can hardly speak the English language, so she's the reason my brilliant offspring doesn't know a quotient from a product.  Everyone is to blame, even my parents!

Well, hop aboard my bus and stop the blame!  There are no blamers allowed on the bus of El Entrenador!

Blaming is arguably the dumbest, most destructive idea in which I have ever allowed myself to take part.

Let me tell you about a guy I will call Herbie.  Herbie loves to go to Atlantic City and play poker at the Bellagio (and for all you jokers that know I like to play Hold'em, no, I have never been to the Bellagio).

Anyway, Herbie is what is known in poker parlance as a "nit".  This means, he sits on his hands for hours on end and waits for big  starting hands, like Ace-Ace or King-King.   He also plays other pocket pairs, but quickly discards them if he doesn't make three-of-a-kind on the flop.  Well, ole Herbie, he prides himself in "having a hand" when he plays, and he usually throws in a sizable raise to announce his cards to everyone.  The problem for Herbie is that all of his opponents know his strategy also.  So when Herbie raises before the flop, his opponents don't fold.  No, they like to call his raise with almost any two cards and see if they can bust his Aces or Kings. They know he can't fold them and he will go all-in and lose all of his money if they can flop a hand better than his big pair.

Well, one day, Herbie, for about the hundredth time on a Monday morning, came into my office red-eyed and tired-looking from a weekend jaunt to AC.  Yep, Herbie had gone busto (a poker word for "broke") again, and this time he said it was because "some donkey" called his raise with 3-2.  "THREE TWO!", Herbie lamented.  "Doesn't that idiot know I have a hand when I raise?".   I said under my breath, "Yeah, he sure does."  Well, Herbie blamed his entire bad weekend on the donkey.   Herbie is the quintessential blamer, finding fault with everything but himself.

I want you to think about blame like this:  What good is it?  What does it change?  What is there that is positive that can come from blaming someone for anything?   Just because you find fault with someone for doing something, it doesn't mean your life will be better or improved.  In fact, I can argue that it will be worse.

You see, when you blame someone or something, you have not discovered the root cause of the problem.  When you blame the field goal kicker for losing the game, you are marginalizing the performances of everyone else on the team to that of a side show.  Statistically-speaking, field goal kickers can't be perfect.  It's not possible.  The fact is, if the other players had done their jobs during the game to the level of expectation of the coach, the field goal would not have been necessary.  Blaming the loss on the kicker only serves to cover up the root cause of the loss: most likely, the bad execution by the other players.

Now, when you come aboard my bus and you take your seat, I want you to think about blame.   I want you to think about how blaming someone or something has improved your life because I can almost guarantee, it hasn't.  More likely, if you take the time to really think about it, you'll discover how horrible blame is.  Then, I want you to think not about blame, but about root causes.  What REALLY caused this or that to happen.  What could I have done differently to make the outcome better for me or my family?  How could I have handled this situation better?  Why should getting stuck in line make me late for work?  What is the TRUE reason my son or daughter is not comprehending math?

We all know that in life, everyone gets dealt some good cards and and some bad cards.  But what YOU have to do is learn how to optimally  play the ones that you've been dealt.  Like Herbie, you have to figure out when to raise and when to fold.   When you do this - when you start viewing life with the perspective that you must improve, that you must have more discipline, that you must have more patience, that you must be more consistent, and that you must be more focused in whatever you are trying to do, you will realize what took me almost 49 years to realize - that is, how utterly stupid the blame game is.

When you finally have this epiphany - and this is a promise - YOU WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER.

Please. Don't blame the donkey.  It's not his fault.